i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
