I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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