all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
