Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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