One girl and one boy is just not enough.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
How does it feel to date your dad?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.