Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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