I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
