I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
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