I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
