My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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