if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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