yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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