she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
