The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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