I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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