at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
