I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
