Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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