My liver just broke up with me...
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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