The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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