I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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