Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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