so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
