What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
