Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
tell me about the eggs
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