I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
