Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
