I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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