Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
