Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
