i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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