Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
