hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
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You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
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You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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