I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
