dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
