Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
