There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
