Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
