Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
