Soap is not a condiment
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
