Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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