Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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