The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
