how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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