You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
