when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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