Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
