I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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