Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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