So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
