This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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