the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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