seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
