I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter