I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dating After Heartbreak
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.