I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
