hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
