I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
