On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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