You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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