Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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